The Condom Conundrum

they were located with the mouthwash and first aid, just behind tins of altoids: four kinds of trojans, and the notorious magnums. i was hoping there would only be one choice and it would be regular. as someone who only started using condoms in the recent years, i don't know much about that sort of shopping.


all i know is you don't get to try them on in-store.

i've always banked on someone else already having them, or a friend being near enough that i could send a sloppy text requesting one to be delivered IMMEDIATELY.

i've never bought condoms myself and it's so much more difficult than choosing ice cream flavors.

of the five, magnums would've been a good joke but the potential consequences wouldn't be worth the possible half-laughs. a part of me has always wondered if there is even a difference between magnums and regular condoms outside of their names-- or if they're the same size and named to inflate male egos. but i doubt it. so my parts in a magnum would be like a lima bean in a potato sack.

trojan's non-lubricated condoms were the next to be eliminated on account of how horrible the inside of a dry condom must feel. like getting a blowjob from a dead snake. plus, the pack was covered in dust and that is just never a good sign.

ultra-thin seemed to be advertising a fun way to accidentally have a baby, ultra-ribbed made me wonder if it would be so ribbed that she might think she was being molested by a small güiro, and trojan's her pleasure just kept reminding me of the scene in wayne's world where garth pokes through rob lowe's penthouse.

it was like trying to pick a halloween costume for my penis, and i wasn't sure what he wanted to be. i wasn't even sure he wanted to dress up, i think he just wanted the treats.

i couldn't stare at the row of condoms any longer. i had to ask barry for advice.

"get ultra-thin!" he said without much thinking.

"really?" i asked, "it just seems like it'll break and i'll wind up with a kid."

"nooooo," he assured me.

"but," i said, "you just had a kid."

we debated for a while-- mostly agreeing against non-lubricated and magnum. but the situation wasn't a whole lot better. instead of standing alone, awkwardly scrutinizing various condoms, i was doing so with a paper-thin chinese man.

"fuck it," i said, "i'm going to just get a pack of each."

of course, as me and my team of colorful condoms were being rung up, a thirty-something woman walked in and stared. i'm still not sure why the experience was so embarrassing beyond that i'd never experienced it before-- but it definitely felt odd.

"also a fifth of jameson," i told barry.

the woman kept staring and i absolutely could not read her thoughts. i was tempted to tell her the whiskey and condoms were for a friend, but she finally spoke.

"you know those two don't mix well."

"well played," i laughed.

but we'll see about that, lady. we'll see.