The Law Offices of Beep & Squeep

what ended in bloody testicles began with an average job: a pick-up from another law office, the usual legal tab insertion, and a velo bind. most financial corporations go with coil binding, but lawyers are suckers for velos. it's to the point where i ride their elevators singing, "no need to re-miind me, you want your velo biinding."

it's not the best song in the world.

but what made the trip more than average is that i actually met mr. squeep. i meet a lot of our clients, but rarely do any of the lawyers show their faces. there's always just a very attractive receptionist scouring craigslist for new jobs while taking a break only to inform me that she's "sorry, but mr. beep & squeep are both in meetings."


this time, however, mr. squeep was there to meet me personally.

"one piece of advice," he told me sternly, "when you go to add the legal tabs, be careful."

i took his warning as a mild insult to my intelligence. a three-toed sloth could insert legal tabs with great success and i'm not only faster, but i can speak english.

besides, i've spent so much time in court, i could practically cross-examine the judge.

"don't worry," i said, "we'll have it back to you by noon and it'll be perfect."

"no," he responded, "let me put this another way: when you reach EXHIBIT 2, do not look at the page before it."

"of course," i reassured him, "i'm aware your files are CONFIDENTIAL and it's something of a policy that we never read through any of it. don't worry."

he looked around and sighed. i was saying something wrong.

"this case revolves around a serious injury to a man's testicles," he said in a cold voice, "and it has photographic evidence. i recommend you do not look at the page before EXHIBIT 2."

did not see that one coming.

"oh. wow. thank you for the advice, mr. squeep!"

...i definitely looked. it was horrible.

then i forced everyone else to look because i'm a human and it's what we do.

"hey man, can you QC this exhibit for me?"

"sure."

"BOOOOOM! SEVERED TESTICLE IN YOUR EYE!"

"fuck you."

"seriously though, can you QC that?"

i'll be honest, i spent the majority of that morning trying to rick roll co-workers into seeing the bloody ballsack as many times as possible while still hitting our 12pm deadline.

when i delivered the velo-bound papers back to his offices, mr. squeep eyed me the same way a parent might eye a pothead late at night.'

"you looked, didn't you," he said.

WHATEVER YOU DO, PANDORA, DON'T OPEN THIS BOX. HERE'S THE KEY OMG!! DON'T OPENZ!

"no, mr. squeep," i said blankly, "i don't believe i did."

he smiled.